Holidays and Grief – 10 Ways to Show Support for a Loved One Experiencing Grief

Holidays tend to apply a magnifying glass on hearts grieving the loss of a loved one, whether the loss is fresh, happened a year or many years ago.

While you may not personally be experiencing it, I can guarantee with some certainty someone you care about is experiencing grief, perhaps silently. One less chair at the table is hard to ignore.

You may be wondering how to show your support.

While I won’t claim to know what’s helpful for everyone, it’s my hope that my personal experience and the vulnerable experiences shared by those I know, may shed some light about providing support.

While there isn’t an easy answer or a handy check list, I pulled together 10 Common Support Themes to offer a good starting point. Keep in mind that grief is like fingerprints, unique to each individual.

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1. It’s okay to say that you don’t know what to say.

Acknowledge you’re there and be present in the moment. While it’s hard to watch someone suffer, it’s worse to disappear.

Disappearing because you don’t know what to say is yet another loss for them to endure.

2. Support isn’t taking the person’s pain away; it’s providing space for its existence.

Comforting someone may feel uncomfortable for you. It’s human nature to want to take away pain and minimize their discomfort, but the problem with that is emotions are messy and don’t work that way.

Support is to help work through the stages of grief, it’s a process and unfortunately there’s no fast track.

3. Acknowledge grief without conditions & don’t minimize loss.

The statements ‘Everyone dies’, while factually true isn’t supportive in the midst of grief. ‘They’re in a better place’, again may hold some truth and is a well-intended statement, it creates its own set of emotions. This may bring about personal judgement, is it selfish for wanting the person to still be here.

There is no ‘right’ way to grieve; you may see two people experience grief for the same loss in completely different ways.

4. Giving cadence to just be.

Letting them know that it’s okay to feel the way they do without judgement. It’s okay to be sad, angry, happy, lost, resentful, hanging on by a thread and a million other things.

One that I didn’t see coming until experiencing it first hand, grief & joy can co-exist.

Appearance may be deceiving, just because they appear ‘strong’ on the exterior, doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling. They may be exhausted from being strong for everyone else and need a nonjudgmental outlet.

5. Grief doesn’t have an expiration date.

Be supportive for the long haul. Support is generally plentiful immediately following a loss but then understandably life goes on. Consider what dates may be triggers and put reminders on your calendar (i.e.- birthdays, date person passed, holidays.)

6. Continue to include them.

They may not return a call right away or decline plans, do not, I repeat, Do Not, let that be a deterrent from including them. Grief doesn’t always know what to say and it can be a lonely place. Avoid laying a guilt trip when you connect.

7. Spend more time listening than talking.

It’s a balance as we all want to relate. Each of our experiences are valuable, understanding how your experience can support & validate what they’re feeling without making it all about you. If you’ve experienced a similar loss, this is an opportunity to channel your grief in a positive way.

8. Assist with something that would be helpful.

People often ask the question, ‘Let me know what you need.’ While that is well intended, many aren’t going to reach out to assign tasks. Try to pick a specific thing to do that would be helpful.

From my personal experience, I had two friends show up to help as I was putting Picture Boards together for the funeral home visitation for my Mom. I was overwhelmed, but didn’t want to put anyone out by asking for help. I still think about this support 4 years later and am incredibly grateful they just came.

9. Remember the person who passed.

As time moves forward, they will not forget their loved one who passed. It’s a blessing when they know that others have not forgotten the person as well.

Sharing stories of a life well lived or ‘I thought of your loved one when…’ do not fall on deaf ears. Each time their name crosses someone’s lips in this manner is a gift.

10. Recognition that it doesn’t get easier with time, it gets different.

Loss is not something we don’t get over; time allows us to process and learn to live with. Our brains don’t let us fully grasp the finality of death immediately, it’s protecting us, the permanence sets in over time.

Loss grows roots and can adjust the foundation of the person. What’s important in their life may shift, sometimes loss gives way to personal growth.

Know your support helps on their journey.